September 28, 2011


And now, apparently, I'm twenty-four. Birthdays are kind of weird for me. I don't know why. It's not like I'm particularly shy or anything. But I get all nervous and jittery when people wish me happy birthday. I don't know how to react or something. Twenty-four. What kind of things do twenty-four-year-olds do? I'm not sure. Things are good. Life is good I mean. Kind of unbelievably good. I have to remember that. But sometimes I feel like I'm getting pulled in a lot of different directions. The travel and general schedule can get heavy. Always running, always planning so far ahead. My life is so great but sometimes I feel like I'm not really living it. Like I'm watching it happen. Taking notes or something. Twenty-four now. Am I really doing what I want to be doing? Yes. Is my life everything I want it to be? Yeah, pretty much. Except when screw things up or get in the way. Does that mean I'm just not very ambitious? Am I just coasting? Or stuck in a rut and I don't even know it? Sometimes I can't tell. Sometimes. I get a little scared when I think about all the days that go by, and I haven't really done anything. Couldn't tell you where the hours went. I've grown more distant this year and less in touch with God. As long as I'm being honest. I like myself less now than I did a year ago. Don't laugh as much. And I suspect that's affected the people closest to me. It's hard to know what to do with a day, or how to act, when you're out of touch with God. His plans are always so right. Mine suck. I know that. So... twenty-four. I love my wife. I love good food. I love old country songs. I love watching Chimney Swifts fly around as it's getting dark. "We live in a beautiful world... yeah we do, yeah we do" I love God and I miss him. I miss knowing that I'm doing the right thing. Plans plans plans. I need to plan less. I need to love more and plan less. I need to know who I am right now. Where's my heart right now. Less planning. Less about where I'm going to be or what I'm going to do. Not like I don't have a lot to look forward to. And I'm excited about all that. Excited about the band and the new album. Excited about going to Costa Rica. But right now, this moment, am I okay? I'm twenty-four years old and I'm forgiven. Joy and peace and love. All is well.